The One With The L'il Green Alien
by Alien925
Summary: X-Files and Friends Crossover.. read if you dare.. or basically if you can be bothered.


Title: TOW The L'il Green Alien  
Catorgory: Mulder/Scully romance. X-Files/Friends Crossover   
Author: Alien925  
Disclamer: The X-Files and all of its characters belong to Chris Carter and Ten   
Thirteen Poductions and I'd never dream of takin' them off them. They   
should know that by now.   
Friends are owned by Warner Bros. Television and Bright Kauffman Crane  
Productions.  
borrowing them etc etc etc.... *snore*.  
Summary: A funny twisted crossover story involving escort girls, Mulder's groin and an little   
green alien.. and of course Scully, Pheobe, Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey and Ross.   
No plot really.  
Spoilers: X- Files: Tooms. Friends: TOW The Free Porn. Please make a mental note that these are  
very very very tiny spoiler but I didn't have anything else to write in this spac so I thought   
I might as well add 'em.  
Classification:R  
  
  
  
TOW THE L'IL GREEN ALIEN  
  
Mulder AND Scully's office.  
9.25am  
Monday Morning  
  
" Hey Scully." Special Agent Fox Mulder walked into the basement office feeling like death  
warmed up.. no make that death totally fried and simmered in the oven for about five..make that ten hours.  
" Mulder!" Scully rushed to her partner's side at once after seeing the state in which he was   
in. [ We won't go into that right now.. but lets just say that Mulder didn't look good.. ok.. he  
looked even worse than Cancerman when he hadn't had a cigarrete in five minutes.] Scully quickly backed away from Mulder  
as he sneezed rather loudly and without warning, leaving some, no doubt radioactive, slimy green  
stuff on his particularry ugly, flourescent pink tie.  
" Ewww." Scully turned away, leaving Mulder to wipe the gunk off by himself.  
" I just came from Skinners office." Mulder sniffed. " We've got a new case."  
" Hmm.." Scully didn't bother to look up from her steamy romance novel. " Where?"  
" New York. Some woman claims that.." he broke off. " New York" he repeated. " Shopping   
capital of the world...."  
" Lets go."  
Fox William Mulder had never seen his partner move so fast... apart from that time she met with   
Frohike under the mistletoe at the Lone Gunmen's Christmas party.  
  
New York City  
5.00pm  
  
Scully pulled over for the twenty fifth time as her partner's head once again began to slip off   
the headrest, only to fall, again, rather heavly onto her shoulder. Unlike the first time.. this time,  
Scully decided that she would like to avoid hitting an expensive silver BMW and shook Mulder  
awake.  
" Mulder!" No sound. " Mulder!!!!" louder, but still no response from her zonked out friend.   
"MULDER!!! WILL YOU F***KING WAKE UP" and a horn blow just to prove her point and Mulder was   
suddenly sitting bolt upright in the passenger seat, a startled look gracing his features.  
" Mulder. We're in New York now." Scully decided to let the whole, head thing go.. for the   
moment. "How d'you feel?"  
"Great.. I think that thirtieth dose of Tynelol really worked. Thanks."  
Scully tried to grin whilst wondering if a person was meant to take that much medicine in the   
space of a day.... Ah well.. Mulder'd seen worse.  
" Where are we going again.. I've totally forgotten."   
" No you haven't.." Mulder's eyes sparkled.. " I didn't tell you yet."   
" Oh yeah.." Scully wondered why she had even left DC without asking.. 'must've been something   
major' she decided.  
" We," Mulder pointed first to himself and then Scully," are going to New York to investigate   
a woman who belives that she has been possed by aliens."  
Scully rolled her eyes.  
" Sounds like Melissa, just weirder." she mused.  
" I'll take the wheel now, if you want." Mulder got ready to get out of the car.  
" I can drive. Whats wrong with my driving?" Scully was starting to get pissed off.  
" Nothing. I just.. you.. I saw the BMW."  
" That was only 'cos your head fell on my shoulder rather heard, startling me and consequently   
causing me to rear out of the right hand lane into oncoming traffic." Mulder shrugged his   
shoulders   
at his response and buckled his seatbelt up again.  
" NYPD?" she asked and he nodded.  
  
NYPD   
5.30pm  
  
Mulder and Scully stood outside a padded cell and looked in through the small window. A woman,   
who was, in Mulders opinion, amazingly hot, stood in the middle of the room, her long blonde hair  
dishevelled due to three days locked up. He arms stood parallell to her body and she seemed to  
be in some kind of trance.  
" Do we go in?" Scully asked.  
" I'll go. You better go tell her family or something..." Mulder said without taking his eyes   
off the woman in the cell.  
Scully rolled her eyes, wondered if this was going to be another ' Bambi' or Det. White and   
walked off.  
" I'm taking the car." she yelled behind her.  
" Hmm.. sure.." was all she got in response.  
  
Joey and Chandler's Apartment  
NYC  
6.00  
  
Scully knocked on the battered green door and waited for someone to answer it.  
After five minutes she gave up and tried the handle. The door opened easily.  
Three men sat hunched around a large entertainment unit, eyes fixated on the tv.  
" Look Rach." One of them said. " We got the free porn this time!"  
Scully raised her eyebrows and wondered if any of these strange men were related to Mulder.  
" Uhh.. hi." she ventured.  
The three men pivoted around simutaneously and stared at Scully mouths agape.  
" Hi.. I'm Ross." the man who had spoken held out his hand. Scully shook it. " And this is  
Chandler and Joey." he guestured to the other two guys sitting about three inches away from   
the TV screen.  
"Scully." she intoduced herself and looked at the brown folder in her hand. " Now, I've come  
here to inform.." but was interupted by Joey, who held up a hand.  
" I know why you're here. I said classy, they send a chick in a suit.." he paused and looked  
Scully over, " Nice!!"  
Scully rolled her eyes. " Yes but, I think you should know,"  
" How you doin'!?" she was interupted once again by Joey. " C'mon. You weren't meant to be  
here 'till ten but now you're here, how bout I show you where the 'Joeyluv' is at?"  
Scully sighed and pulled out the ID,  
" Special agent Dana Scully FBI. You say anything else like that and I'll arrest you... or even better.. shoot you.   
She pulled out her gun just for effect, but liked the power trip she recieved as the three men backed against the wall. She guestured to   
the TV.  
" Turn off the porn." All three men lept for the remote. The TV screen turned black. Scully saw  
dissapointment lurking in all of their eyes.  
" Now then," she sat down on the edge of a leather recliner, " I have come to inform you that  
your friend.." she consulted her folder, " Pheobe Buffay, is currently in the psycological section of the NYPD."  
" Why... why why... why would she be there?" Chandler studdered.  
" She claims to be posessed by aliens."   
" Oh right." was the calm answer she recieved from Ross, backed up by a nod from Joey.  
" Well, aren't you worried about her.. I mean.. its pretty serious."  
" Nahh.." Ross said, " Pheebs is like that. She always being possesed by someone.. A couple   
of years ago she claimed she was possesed by a client who died on her table.. shes a massuse. What  
was her name again guys?" Ross looked towards the other guys.  
" Mrs Aidleman." Chandler supplied.  
" Yeah that was weird." Joey added.  
"Really..?" Scully was intigued. ". she seems.. well.. strange."  
" You bet. Her mom comitted suicide when she was a kid by shoving her head in the oven, her dad   
left them, she spent her teenage years on the street, she had her brothers babies she has a identical twin   
sister who she hates and she has shot her fair share of cops, believe me." Joey said  
" God." Scully was really amazed now. " You lot seem to have an interesting life."  
" Yeah." Chandler clucked like a chicken and to Scully's surprise a chick and a duck walked   
towards her.  
" Say 'Hi' to the nice FBI woman who isn't gonna shoot us." he said, a nervous 'shake' in his voice.  
Scully smiled faintly in the direction of the birds.  
  
Two hours later,  
  
Scully sat nevously in the same apartment and tried to listen to Chandler talk about is WENUS.   
She was sure she had been told what it was but she didn't really want to know right now.  
Mulder's cell had been turned off all day and she was a little worried and felt  
guilty for leaving him alone with a psycopath. Monica and Rachel were arguing about who Rachel  
dated last weekend. Monica and Rachel took up residence over the hall from Joey and Chandler.   
Monica was Ross's sister and Rachel, her friend. In Scully's opinion all five of them were  
totally nuts.  
Suddenly the door opened and the woman Scully recognised as Pheobe walked in. Her arm around  
Mulder.   
" Don't cry.." she was saying, " I'm sure she didn't just leave you."  
" Pheebs!" all five friends rushed towards the sixth and hugged her vicously.  
" SCULLY!!" Scully was suddenly bowled over by a partically crying Mulder. The whole scene   
reminded her of a dog being reunited with its owner after it had just gotten out of quarantine.  
" Hi Mulder." she said wishing he'd move his head, out of her cleavage.. but then again she  
didn't really mind.  
" I thought you'd gone." he said wiping away the tears.  
He stood up realising that everyone was staring at them.  
"Yeah, well, I went to talk to Pheobe's friends." she guestured around the room.  
" Hi" Pheobe waved from across the room then turned to her friends.  
" ET's gone home!!" she giggled. " Mulder came and then these other men came and then he was   
gone."  
" Came?" chandler asked.  
" As in walked into the 'padded cell'" she spat out the last two words. " What did you think  
I meant?"  
" Nothing." Chander grinned and looked over at an embarrassed Mulder.  
" Too bad huh?" he asked. Mulder's blushed deepened.  
  
Monica and Rachel's Apartment.  
10.00pm  
NYC  
  
Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Pheobe, Mulder and Scully bid Joey goodbye as he took off into   
the next apartment with the real escort acency girl.  
" And this is Ross, when he was thirteen. Mom and Dad managed to snap him in the bath. He was  
mad at them for half a year.. Until day found the playboys' under his matress."  
Mulder and Scully looked at the picture Monica showed them and then at Ross. Mulder noticed  
Scully wretch and sympathetically patted her hand on the table.  
" Yeah, horrible isn't it." Rachel agreed only to be silenced by Ross's look at her.  
Suddenlty the lights flickered off and a strange voice filled the room.  
"Eeeekk" Mulder emitted a very girly scream and grabed a piece of Scully's anatomy.  
"Gerroff Mulder. That hurts" she growled.  
He quickly removed his hand.  
A green glow came from the doorway of Monica's bedroom.  
" I thought I'd told you once not to get the radioactive condoms. You know what they do to me." Chandler joked at Monica. A slap was heard in the darkness.  
Everyone around the kitchen table saw a deformed head emerge from the bedroom.  
" Take. Me. To. Your. Leader."   
Chandler sighed and flicked on the lighswitch.  
An alien head with Pheobe's body appeared out of Monica's bedroom.  
" I told you once Pheobe. Stop that. It wasn't even funny the first time."  
The alien took its head off revealing Pheobe's face underneath.  
" Oh please. You should've heard him scream." she told the others making Chandler blush wildly.  
" Shut up Pheebs." he muttered.  
" I just thought it might make her believe." Pheobe said.  
"Who believe?" Scully asked.  
" You."  
" Me? Who said I didn't believe?"  
"Him. he called you a.. a..." Pheobe pointed at Mulder and stumbled on her sentance unable to get the words out... " SKEPTIC!!!"  
" Ooohh. If looks could kill you'd be a dead man, man." Ross told Mulder.  
  
Monica and Rachel's apartment  
3.00am  
NYC  
  
"An' then, he said if theres an iced tea in that bad it could be love an' I was thunkin' why  
the hell won't you just fuck me, cos, like me needs it, an' I know you do, cos I.. we work with  
the Governemt and smokin' men and aliens." Scully took another swig of her beer and leaned  
back on Mulder lap.  
" Keepin' you gun somewhere else G-man?" she slurred.  
" Come find out." was the equally drunk answer.  
Clapping and whooping the drunk friends cheered Scully on as she undid Mulders slacks. The scene was interupted by a bright white light comming   
in through the large window of the girls apartment.  
Sillouetted there, an alien figure stood. It raised its hand which held a cylindrical object. Moving towards the group of people huddled  
on the floor, it gently poked Pheobe, Monica, Rachel and Scully with it. Mulder made a grab for the little green...not grey..alien but in his drunk state he   
hadn't realised that Scully's head was still in his lap. Understandibly he gave Scully a faceful of his groin and missed the alien by about one inch.  
" Goddamnit." he cursed. " Sorry Scully."  
"Don't be."  
The alien retreated back to the window. All eight people were left stunned, watching it leave in the beam of white light.  
The room stayed silent for two minutes until it was broken by Scully muttering the words,  
"I believe ya now." from the constraints of Mulders lap.  
  
END-sorta.  
  
Do y'all wanna know what happened after that?  
Of course you do..  
Well, five minutes after the alien incident Mulder and Scully left the apartment and tried to travel back to DC.   
Of course, they failed miserably because they were both totally stoned and Mulder [ who only got to drive because Scully was to  
drunk to argue with him] ended up driving into an unmarked white tanker truck, causing an alien virus to leak all over the highway and  
kill everyone in the passing cars, except Mulder and Scully because the alcohol made them immune  
the virus. [ If only they'd realised that in FTF!]Anyway they finally made it back to DC where they had their asses   
chewed out [literally of course] by Skinner.  
  
  
The next day Scully felt ill, she spent all morning throwing up in the bathroom, until Mulder finally attached a paper bag to her chin and took her to the doctor's.  
After very many VERY painful tests, the incapable doctors realised that Scully was pregnant.  
  
  
About one month after that Mulder got a phone call from Chandler telling him that Monica, Rachel and Pheobe were all pregnant as well.  
  
Mulder spent one month being mad at Scully and accusing her of sleeping with someone and not remembering it, before he realised that her pregnancy was in fact  
connected with Monica's, Pheobe's and Rachel's. He did nothing what so ever to investigate this   
matter and satisfied himself with watching Scully throw up and have cravings for sunflower seeds and huge greasy double cheeseburgers, which he didn't really mind because it meant that he could eat more junk food more often.  
  
  
The 'gestation' period of Scully baby was incredibly short and on 10th October at 11.21am, Scully's baby was born.   
  
She gave birth to the infant in her bathroom at home with Mulder's help because his car had run out of gas and the phone lines were down. He couldn't call for and ambulance or take her to the hospital himself.   
Asking someone for help was out of the question because, rumours travel faster then news and everyone knew Mulder was Spooky, therefore they refused to talk to him * Awww.*  
  
Mulder and Scully put their skills to the test and decided that the baby was definitely weird because it was bright green.  
  
After careful consideration they both decided that the baby was alien.  
  
Both of them fell in love with the baby alien and didn't want to give it up, so they quit their jobs in the FBI and stayed at home.   
Scully did all the housework and Mulder watched daytime TV, then afternoon soaps and then porn when Scully and the alien baby, named 'Spooky' were asleep.  
  
Many months and years passed and Spooky's 'parents' watched him grow up and then be abducted back to his home planet without so much as a   
" Bye Mom and dad!! Thanks for all the hard work and effort you put into bringting me up!"  
  
It was only then Mulder decided that he quite liked Scully and wanted to marry her. He proposed, she accepted and they both lived happily ever after!  
  
REALLY AND TRULY THE END - thanks for reading!  
Sorry about spelling!  
Yeah yeah yeah.. I write strange fanfiction.. what'd expect from watching friends and way too much X-Files XF? So kill me... or on   
the other hand you could actually send a personalised death threat to me by e-mail on:  
alien925@isback.com  
  
  
  
  



End file.
